You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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