i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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