Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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