just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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