the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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