I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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