Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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