whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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