I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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