i need an iv and a liver transplant
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
