Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
