please come you make the beer taste better
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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