Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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