Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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