the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
