not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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