It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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