I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
