I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
The Olympian is in my bed
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
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