I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
