I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
