I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
