I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
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Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
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stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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