I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
