you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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