I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
