I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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