Your face is a jimmy john
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
