Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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