Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
