so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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