I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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