im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
