I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
