my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
