She's JV to your varsity
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Randomize
