I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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