she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
