some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
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