WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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