Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
