are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Randomize
