I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
