my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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