thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
i think my cat just said my name.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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