Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
