Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
