I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You smell like a Billy Joel song
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
