Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
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The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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