when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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