Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
