If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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