he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
