Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I said "one day" and that day is not today
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
