I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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