im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
