WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
